zaterdag 7 juni 2014

the animal and i (june 7, 2014)

Today Nina Cara Colette has been dead for twelve years. She still is. Gorgeous as ever.

For someone like me, who grew up without ever getting a token of affection, a
connection with love could only be established after the impossibility to recognize
love had faded away. This impossibility could fade away because I had been exposed
to the love of Nina Cara Colette, which was present and which was stronger than my
obsessive hungers. To her love for me and to my love for her.

The obsessive hungers go by the name of love, but they are only interested in
tasting again and again the same disgusting meals they are used to.

There are two voices of which I can hear a complete cd. Both a mix of missed-love
and connected-love. I am talking about the voices of Patsy and Lata. I can listen to
those for an hour easily. If the time is right, because a few conditions have to be met.
First of all, Nina Cara Colette cannot stand this kind of music, so she must not be in.
Furthermore, I must be in a boisterous mood, because the songs demand to be howled
along. And finally, I have to be in a state where I am temporary word deaf, because
those lyrics do not exactly mirror my connection to life. In the case of Lata this is not
the slightest problem, but with Patsy it is a bit more complicated. This is why most of
the singing voices on the playlists sing in languages I am not familiar with.

I also have several playlists Nina Cara Colette has no taste for. Almost all that is
African, for example. African south of the Sahara and east of Senegal and Mali. Kora
music from Senegal and Mali and all Arabic music she simply loves. Classical that is.
Not the contemporary filmscores. And this also applies to Indian. Never a bad moment
for a raga. An evening raga in the morning: no problem. With a little stick of patchouli
please. For I may be very fond of Lata, Nina Cara Colette rather listens to a ghazel.
Has a straight receiver for an expression that to me can be a bit too exalted. But not
for Caribbean sounds. Or Mexican, Cuban or Colombian sounds. Also jazz is not
something I have to play to please her.

I have spend much energy in the search for methods that could help me to keep
myself safe. From outside tensions I am unable to cope with. So that I can literally
and figuratively open the door and yet remain functional.

Especially in my immediate circle I do not want to have to be prepared for vibrations
that are alien to me. But it proved more than once, that I misjudged. That is why I
developed a number of daily holds, for when I am at home. As protection. I no longer
expect everyone who lives with me to also be constantly in harmony with me.
Routines can be minded. For all their single mindedness. They are acceptable as social
extensions of me. My routine also allows me enough time in which I have a time off
from these extensions. And every day at least one period of nothing. Varying in
duration. But long enough to catch my breath.

Nina Cara Colette I can have in my physical proximity, no matter what. In all of her
data she is a stronger nature than I am, but in none of my data I have to protect
myself against her. She treats me well and I treat her well. Besides she has a greater
and more continuous sensibility for me than any other organism in my environment.
It is even true that her presence is decisive, in case all my terrestrial awareness has
flown because of a disturbing influence I was unable to avert. The other day, when in
the building next to mine a birth was taking place, there was such an amount of
tension in the air that for the whole afternoon I lay with her on the couch. The left
side of my trunk and my left limbs felt paralyzed. I was very short of breath and I had
lost contact with my heart. Not nice, because this means I also have lost contact
with my nerves. But through lying there with her in our circle, she makes me come
back in my terrestrial data and makes me return to my terrestrial reality.

At tram stops I must be careful. When Nina Cara Colette and I are on the street.
She will recognize them. And this despite the notion that animals are not supposed
to store cultural signs as abstraction into their system.

Nina Cara Colette simply loves to be transported by trams. In neighborhoods where
we never were before, she walks up to a stop as soon as she sees one. I see that
she sees and not smells, for example.

For the connoisseur: my experience is that, in addition to transferring concepts
to me, Nina Cara Colette understands concepts that I offer. Simple ones as well
as complex ones. Once understood and named, she later recognizes the word that
represents the action that earlier we went over extensively. Or better yet, the
thoughts behind the action. Making it applicable to many different actions in very
different circumstances.

Take a word like coordinate. Nina Cara Colette does not know this word. When I
introduce it, this word is my expression of my assessment of what is going on between
us, plus the change I wish for. She recognizes the disharmony, acknowledges that
something can be done about her concentration on the situation and immediately does
what I mean by coordinate. Now she knows this word and from now on I can use it in
each similar meaning. As long as I stay pure in using it, she keeps pleasing me by
coordinating whenever I ask for it. Or take a word like mistake, a word that already
preserved us from many misunderstandings. When it comes to an action all what is
true for coordinate is true for this word, but on top of this we also use it in situations
having to do with emotion.

My wrappers I have adjusted to and tested against cultural conditions that just
cannot be avoided. But if I happen to find myself in a crowded location outside my
usual walk then, without exception, I have the experience of falling silent. For example,
in a railway station. Where I rarely come. And which certainly is not my kind of location.
The vibrations here do not include mine. As if all transmitters here present, are tuned
to a similar wavelength. While the wavelengths I am tuned to are being pushed away
totally. I stop hearing my inner voices. I stop registering my desires and my needs. I
forget why I came here. And before I completely stiffen and can no longer take one
step forward or backward, I just manage to move me and get me to the exit. And
then to lift this numbness, I have to be away from these vibrations for quite a while.
Spend time with Nina Cara Colette on our couch. So that I return to a moderate state
of being communicative.

It has never been my aim to stretch the stretch. This is not possible, whatever
whoever wants to argue. My focus has always been to as nicely as possible pass the
stretch it takes to cover the stretch.

To fulfill the role one has to play, this is what it is all about. To be the earthly
manifestation one is destined to be. And the more comfortable one is in the meta
realities the clearer one can see the role one has to accomplish. So that one can take
care of the right preparations. And have some control over how this role will unroll.
Pleasant or unpleasant. And thus some control over the way one`s life runs. Supple
or stiff.

To be in harmony with the course of one`s life. Although really very natural, within
our culture this is a privilege. A privilege one has to see how to get. Therefore, it is
a big asset to be in contact with an organism who sees one`s role. Or at least part
of it. And absolutely optimal is being in contact with an organism who continuously
anticipates one`s role in such an actual way, that one can relax and yield. Because
one can be confident, that this other being keeps one integrated in such a way that
one continually senses the meaning. In Nina Cara Colette I have someone like this in
my proximity.

From the very beginning, I had indications that Nina Cara Colette is extremely
sensitive for language. In no time she was acquainted with spoken words that were
not intended for her, but that did have consequences for her. Playfully, I inserted
some simple experiments. In one of the experiments I spoke frequently used words in
various tones and in diverse situations. Her reactions confirmed my presumption that
it is the word itself she knows, and not that she recognized it from the intonation or
the context in which this word is spoken.

She is also very fond of getting poetry read to her. Certain poems are definitely on
her evergreen list. By now I know complete segments by heart and even if we are
outdoors, sitting on a bench by the canal, I recite them. With the same effect. Ears
that straighten at the opening sentence, eyes that look into mine and next the
relaxing of the nape of the neck. Total surrender. But I must not dare to improvise;
as soon as I change only one word for another, she lets me know that she cannot
appreciate this. And I am talking about fragments of at least thirty words.

It is a bit extreme to state that my favorite books of verses have been selected by
Nina Cara Colette, but it is certainly true that all of them are in her taste.

It is certainly not true that I pass my taste on to Nina Cara Colette. I already
mentioned the howling and the exuberant sounds. The radio is a good example too.
Occasionally something comes along on the radio that also makes her ears straighten
up and makes her head turn toward the sound box. For me, having the radio on does
not fall under the denomination of listening to music. I preset the radio to a number
of classical music channels. Rarely my taste anyway. As soon as the noise outside
of the house distracts me from what I am doing I press one button after the other
and I halt at the broadcast that is the least intrusive. None of the pieces of music
she selects attract my attention before her reaction alerts me. If I get the chance
to catch a name or a title I note them down and sometimes I try to find the disc
and buy it. As with a ghazel I do not have a receiver for these expressions, but by
regularly putting them in the player for Nina Cara Colette I experience that they
do me good.

Of some pieces of music the fixed feature is the composer, of other ones it is the
interpreter and of still others it is the instrument that is used to bring it across. Nina
Cara Colette makes the connections. I do not hear them. Sometimes I think I know
her musical taste, but time and again I am being surprised. Like by now I have picked
up that one of her favorite composers is Shostakovich. But if his name is being
announced and I send her an anticipating look, it is not necessarily that she  responds.
And just as I am about to convince myself that I do have a large inclination to ascribe
to her qualities I rather not mention aloud in company, the announcer says it
concerned a fragment that by experts is considered to be one of the minor
commissioned pieces of the composer.

We also read through many volumes of poetry Nina Cara Colette does not care for
at all. Usually I agree with her. And there are volumes I especially purchased, after
reciting rather dutifully from an anthology a few poems by a celebrated name and her
reaction left little doubt.

My care, interest and attention for Nina Cara Colette is riches to me. Wealth and
wellbeing. To give and to get. Without ever being in a position of either needing to
fulfill one`s obligations or having to demand one`s rights.

With quite a few exceptions to the rule, it is I who pave our path in the practice
of culture and it is Nina Cara Colette who paves our path in the area of nature. As a
category, being human is a cultural wrapping. In the natural state I exist as a living
creature. Just as Nina Cara Colette. And as living creatures we recognize each other.

Knowledge is a durable energy, with which one can enter into a relationship. One can
tune to wavelengths that give one access to a countless number of points of contact,
that are available apart from time and place. Unclassified wisdom, vibrating freely
through the cosmos.

Mastering cooking potatoes is not the same as mastering knowledge. As any energy,
knowledge is a transmitter. And just as no vital energy whatsoever can be appropriated
by another, no knowledge whatsoever can be possessed. But everyone can have it at
one`s disposal. Once one`s antennae have been tuned to what one`s right wavelengths
are, then it is only a matter of operating the receiver. Not difficult. But one has to have
the right interior design.

That is why my interior is designed around the existence of Nina Cara Colette. My
receiver has a small range and before I knew her I was accustomed to a lot of hazy
static with an occasional bright patch. Her antennae are higher, wider and of a fine
tuning quality. By being near her I can co-enjoy, because the happiness generating
fact presents itself, that her antennae turn out to be tuned to the wavelengths that
happen to be the right ones for me too.

Through Nina Cara Colette I have discovered a very special source of language.
When talking to her I heard my voice speak phrases that fascinated me. The special
source can be typified as a space where there are words, but where there is no voice.
I enter and my voice speaks the words I find there. Or that find me there. Phrases
that nestle in my memory and that came to me from outside. Nina Cara Colette
stimulates me to again and again repeat these words. She likes to hear the same
sentence again and again. Until it is familiar. Then the addition of a new sentence.
And repeating this combination, until it also is familiar. Then the next sentence. And
so on. Until a text has come into existence. Say of about twenty sentences. Which
I note down with pencil on a piece of paper afterwards. The different stages of this
process I summarize under the heading peppermint session. And when I say 'I believe
it is time for a peppermint session', she knows exactly what I mean.

This repeatedly repeating of such a text produces an enormous bond. Between us.
Because through these words, we again and again tune to the wavelength that gives
both of us access to knowledge. And through such a text this knowledge becomes
available to others. But, of course, only to those who also have it in them to tune to
this particular wavelength.

Being with Nina Cara Colette in our circle makes me invariably calm. Before she and
I found each other, I met with little I could relate to. At least in a way that is allied
to my nature.

Although there is nothing in me that is part of a majority, I rely upon the fact that
by just living, I in my turn exercise an influence on the spaces I move in. The
perishable space also, yes. But mainly the meta spaces. The durable reality spheres.
I do not feel the need to want to trace the nature of my influence. Just as I simply
accept the influence someone else has on me. The fact that the other affects me.
And that I more often than not experience these influences as unpleasant, also is
something I have come to accept.

In our circle however, I feel protected against the erosive action of these sneak-
influences. And it is only Nina Cara Colette who is familiar with the absolute
concentration that I am able to realize here.

We do not have a strict schedule for going to, or being in, our circle. But to date
we have known the right moments to be there without any disturbance. The sensation
to together be alone in the world is almost total in our circle. Or perhaps better:
together be one with the world.

Yes, I feel safe in the circle of Nina Cara Colette. Through the isolation there is
coherence. Between in and out. Not because my inside reflects the outside, or vice
versa, but because my inside is the outside, and vice versa. Because the boundaries
between in and out have blurred. As if my skin becomes a two way passage, from
inside to outside and from outside to inside. This has little to do with extreme
happiness. It is one of my periodically life sustaining needs. The other reason why
I feel safe in our circle has to do with feeling assured about the continuity of things.
Here I have the peace to for hours do little else than just lie. Sometimes eyes open,
sometimes eyes closed.

If my head is not occupied by worries of some kind, this lying together can bring me
insight. Into a personal trauma, for example. Not by way of words or images, but by
being transported. Nina Cara Colette is my guide. The limits posed by time fall away
and I arrive in one of my meta realities. Bonds that were brought about here and also
have been kept up here. Bonds that I have not been able to seperate myself from,
that I have not been able to get into focus in spite of experiencing them as suffocating.
Such a bond I can break off now. In the first place, because the purpose of this
particular bond becomes clear to me, because now I am this natural extention. And
in the second place, because I unabashedly can give expression to the feelings of
uneasiness that accompany this breaking off; moaning, writhing, spitting, yawning,
sniffling, and so on.

The ultimate meaning of the utterance "I am" is spoken from memory. I and am are
being separated from each other. While in my proper being I and am coincide. Because
it can also happen, that I am being transported to the sphere of reality, where there
is no structure at all. Again with Nina Cara Colette as my guide. Her concentration is
without any gap. A presence of a continuous quality, that keeps me anchored. We
become one organ, one anonymous life. Averse to time and place naturally, but also
at the extreme edge of materiality. At the edge of the ultimate reality. And here
formless and form interchange. And here also without content and with content
interchange. So that the boundaries between form and content fade. The imagination
stops. The image disappears. While the senses keep on functioning. Total cohesion. A
session like this we usually end by a song, sung by me to thank Nina Cara Colette. And
through such a song we both get our individuality affirmed. She again is apart from me.
And we again are two. (*12)

In the end, the outside end of reality is equal to the inside end of reality. A little play
with words. But truthful perception. Because in the reality where there is no structure
at all, and where as I mentioned, Nina Cara Colette sometimes takes me, this end-
reality lets itself be experienced.

And what I experience here is that intimacy with nature is overwhelming.

Yes, to stay within the circle of Nina Cara Colette`s silence is another one of my
periodically life sustaining needs. And no, images at once full and empty do not bore
me, no.

(*12)Here is a link to of a short description of what I 'saw' on one of the voyages I made with Nina Cara Colette as my guide

love to all
© mc 2002-2014

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